Loud and Clear: General Update, life on deathrow
Date: April 24th 2015
Clinton Lee Young
Weeks gone by, no answer. Though when I last spoke with my lawyers. They indicated that the local prosecutors in Midland, would not agree to allow me to do the testing of the gloves. Which means we have to fight it out in court. I really did not expect anything else. Sure I hoped that they would go along. However, it just would be abnormally un-natural for me to get something done without a fight. Which it is a stupid position for the. As if I had an execution date for example. I would be able to get a stay if the gloves has yet to be tested. As the law is on my side.
On to other matters. I was recently asked why I got so frustrated by others. Also why I need to justify things. I get frustrated as all I have is communication. If that communication is distorted. It causes chaos. Which benders the advancement towards the goal. More so if it is someone, that should know better. If this person that knows me better than others. If she sees it wrong, then how can I expect others to see it right?
See when I write something, it is not always directed at those that already write to me. It is to clear up potential misunderstandings. Like the line ‘A compliment is not a marriage proposal.’ I just ‘want to make sure that new people are not misunderstanding of my tone & or words. As many write me, though do not respond to my first letter. Now some write multiple people & some guys will do anything to catch a persons attention. I would rather one person beside me that the hands of time have helped to shape a solid friendship. Then to have 100 standing on a platform of lies or manipulation.
I do get frustrated when my words get twisted. As it is all I have. I can not touch anyone. I can not walk down the street with anyone. Can not have them view my interaction with others they know. All I have is the spoken & written word. My words are the basis of my existence here. If these words are seen for something they are not. This then creates chaos. Beyond that. I have to battle the words of others that wish to distort the person I am, such as the state prosecutors.
People that do not know me. They will not understand why I am so direct. I recently had a conversation about this with my friend Amy. Many people do not get straight to the point. Think about manipulation. It is not always with evil intent. Though the way a person writes or talks. It can soften the defenses of another. I can write you a ten page letter to ask one question. Or I can just ask the damn question or make the statement. I am politely & well mannered. Which is why I do not ask 1,000 questions. plus being here has given me as sort of complex. for example, if I ask about a persons children. I worry will they think something bad because I am on death row. Everyone has boundaries & limits. Some make sense, some are very irrational. Their perception of my situation. It cloud their vision of me as the man that I am.
I have always been interested in other people. When I was a child, I never met a stranger. I would talk to people & find out more about them. When I was 13 in North Carolina. I would talk to homeless people. The girls I was in a relationship with I would lay in bed with them or sit outside and just talk for hours sometimes.
I enjoy conversation. I have read about how men will sit around in cafes in Franse & conversate. Like how they do in philosophy clubs. In the Southern US especially the more rural areas. Talking is associated with feminine traits. Which I do not think is a bad thing. As I believe in a balance. A balance equals stability. My grandfather, step father and father. They were not men of many words. Well my father would talk, but it would be mostly lies & bullshit. As a result I would always sit with my mom & discuss different topics. Be it from women to social issues. My point is. No one should ever assume that I am not interested. As I am.
Being that Renate has visited me many times. We have a more natural friendship. We have talked about her boyfriends & everything else. Though when I write to someone new, I never know how they will react. Plus I have been through so much stupid shit since I have been here. I am talking about people that seem to have escaped from the damn crazy house! I admit that this place his given me some insecurities. It is much-much easier to interact with a person, that you can look at eye to eye. With the written word. A person can fill in the blanks with whatever they think in their mind. That is why I write that, the more a person writes about themselves the more comfortable I feel. I do not get bored about what people write. I would rather have a 5 page letter about the happy times or even sad times in a persons life. Then a one page letter, being all about me. Many think I do not want to know about such times, since I am in this place.
While I do not really like to discuss death, for obvious reasons. I have never been against a person venting to me how they feel over the loss of a loved one. Though when I respond to such a topic, it will be short. When you know about 270 people that have died. It has an impact on a person. A soldier in war does not know that many people that died. As the grouping are not as big. The generals far removed from the battle field. There are some here that have know over 500 that have been executed, not to mention friends & Family.
Point being, death is not an exciting topic for a guy on death row. At least not for anyone here that is half as normal. Some here will not write to anyone under a certain age, because they can not get help from them. I have never objected to anyone that wanted to write. As maybe I can help a person accomplishing something greater in life. This way if they do kill me, I can atlas have some kind of positive legacy (though this does NOT mean I will connect with everyone).
When I was a child, I wish I had more people to actually listen to me, instead of just trying to classify me. I have had people write me from ages 11-90! All have a story & all have a journey.
Naturally anyone at such a young age. I expect for their parents to approve that. As there are certainly some guys in prison, that no young child should try to interact. The 11 year old. I write to her mother. Even her grandmother had written to me.
A teacher from Holland. She would have her students write something after watching the film that Jessica made. I always enjoyed getting the little notes from them. All the clever comments & art. 🙂
While on the topic of children. I recently seen my baby sister & brother in law, with my baby nephew. He turned 3 last month. He is full steam ahead! 🙂 I was talking to him. Being there has no concept of talking on a phone system. When we would stop talking. He would tell me. Okay I call you later & would then hang up the phone. 🙂 He stood in the chair & once said “Come play with me Uncle Clint.” When he was leaving he told me. “I love you man!” That really tore me up. It was great seeing him. Little dude is cool as can be.
Anyways. To wrap this up. I am in a situation that defies common sense. You can not read it & grasp it. Experience is the only educator. More so if someone knows how European prisons are. Versus those barbaric nature of U.S prisons is shocking to those who contained within the walls. It defies understanding to those that never been on the inside. In many ways it reverses time.
Which that mainly apples to the general population areas where people can be in physical contact with each other. As being that we are all locked up in administrative segregation.
The isolation has an impact. Though what I think gets to some in these cells. Is they have to live with themselves. That includes thinking about their past. What they did in their case & etc. Another way is from having to depend on everyone or the isolation. Some get paranoid! The hardest things for me is having to depend on others.
Beyond making sure a person is legit. It is also the worry of how others will react in the future. My site had to be rebuilt, as it was messed up by someone that had previously helped me. I just found out that 40 blogs. NOT 4, but FOURTY! blogs were not on my website. Some others were not complete. Plus some legal papers were messed up. There were a few that I wanted removed. But there were only like 3 or 4! Now I got to sort through everything & see what is missing. The thing is that people never really comment on my blogs to me, so I don’t know if I reference something & it is no longer posted. Once my ex came to see me & she told me that some of the legal papers I write about, are not on my site. Long sigh. That is exactly why I say what I have in a couple past blogs. If Catia never would have told me about it, I would not have known. Alex did not know, as these blogs was written before he knew me.
Didn’t I say I would wrap this up? 🙂 I apologize if my words seem off putting lately. I just got a great deal weighing on my should. It is compounded by the fact that I am next to death watch. Being on other pods helps to kind of ignore it. Being on A pod it is more in your face. Plus being that death watch is now A. pod A. section. Which is the section that I was in when I first came here. Back then it was A. pod F. section.
It is not lost on me that it could be also the last section I could be on. Though the way things are going. I think my chances are better now. That possible 9 months. I do not think it is relevant anymore. There has not been a ruling in the 5th circuit yet. Though I feel a little better about everything. Recently some legal papers were posted. In a week or so, more will be posted. Shouldn’t be longer than weeks. I have to get copies & can not post it until it is filed. Alrighty then.
I hope that everyone has a joy filled day.